Downers Grove, IL

Friday, August 27, 2010

Every week I think there must be a reason for all of the strange stuff that happens in the world and this week I am blaming the full moon. That may explain how 1) Lindsay Lohan got released two weeks early from rehab. I wish all of this nation's addicts had her resolve. 2) An alligator was pulled from the Chicago River. Alligators don't normally live in Chicago but this one took advantage of Southwest's low fares from Florida. 3) There is a traffic jam outside the Chinese capital that is 60 miles long that has lasted for 12 days. Apparently the iPhone 4 just went on sale there.

All this and more full moon happenings make up this week's TOP FOUR. 

1.  Let The Buyer Beware – A 61-year-old man has been banned from a Safeway grocery store in Colorado for speaking the truth. He went to the deli counter and asked to purchase some chicken breasts. The female clerk asked him which ones he preferred and the man responded, "I like the large ones." When he went back to the deli counter the next week, the woman who previously waited on him walked away, leaving another female employee to yell at him. "The last time you were here you giggled about that woman's large breasts", the woman said before dialing 911. The man tried to explain but decided to just leave the store at which point he was stopped by a police officer who served him with a trespassing notice, banning him from Safeway for a year. The man claims he did nothing wrong but the police said he has also been banned from Home Depot when he was asked what kind of screws he needed.

2.  "Go Peddle It Someplace Else." – In Stuart, FL, Richard Bialon, 68, was arrested after he had a heated and obscene argument with his bicycle. He was outside a Mobil gas station when the argument broke out. Customers soon complained about the yelling and cursing and police were called. As they arrested Richard for public intoxication, he told them, "You don't understand. That two-wheeled bimbo thinks she's my Road-Master but she's just being Huffy." Richard went to jail. The bicycle was released on its own recognizance. 

3. And They Wonder Where The Stereotype Comes From.– In Berlin, Germany, a 35-year-old man was partying on New Year's Eve five years ago when he was shot in the head by a stray .22 caliber bullet. He didn't realize it at the time because the bullet didn't penetrate his skull and because it was New Year's Eve. Now, five years later, he went to the doctor complaining of a bump on his head and the doctor operated and removed the bullet. For five years, he didn't know it was there. The man's name is Robert Chojecki. He is Polish. No joke.



4.  What Do You Want In Your Tombstone? – Customs agents in Cincinnati, Ohio inspected a tombstone and found that it was hollowed out and contained 50 pounds of marijuana. The stone was dedicated to Delroy Senior with the message "Our thoughts are always with you." Customs authorities became suspicious when they couldn't figure out why anybody would ship a tombstone from Jamaica to England rather than buying one locally and saving the cost of shipping. Delroy Senior has not been found but customs authorities said, "Our thoughts are always with him."

Dale Irvin

Professional summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695