Downers Grove, IL

Friday, August 20, 2010

1. FRANCE - In Cannes and St. Tropez male tourists are being threatened with $48 fines if they are caught walking around without a shirt. Apparently the uppity French don't want to look at the "hairy chests of Brits" so they are going to fine anybody out in public without a shirt…unless, of course, they are women. What a bunch of boobs. (rim shot)

2. AUSTRALIA - Frank Haschka of Woollahra, Australia has some 'splaining to do. Frank woke up after an alcohol fueled argument with his wife on top of her on the kitchen floor. To make matters worse, his wife was dead. You would think this would be a bit of a shock but it never fazed Frank. He grabbed another beer and went to bed. He is being charged with strangling his wife but Frank says that he remembers nothing after the fourth bottle of wine. He's calling it Alzheimer/Gewurztraminer Syndrome.

3. CANADA – Police in Hamilton, Ontario arrested a motorcyclist for not wearing a helmet. He was also not wearing pants or underwear. As an avid motorcyclist I can tell you that had this man spilled, the road rash probably would have killed him, embarrassed him, or really messed up his social life. He was wearing a shirt though, so he would be good to go in France

4.  Dumb-Ass Of The Week  – As I continually point out, lawbreakers are not the sharpest knives in the drawer. This observation was proven again this week. In Athens, GA a man broke into the Howard B. Stroud elementary school late Monday night. He set off the burglar alarm bringing the police. As the police watched him run out the back door they noticed that he dropped his cell phone. After examining the phone, they called the number listed as "Ma" and talked to the burglar's mother. She identified him and told the police where to find him. NOTE TO BURGLARS: When pulling a heist, leave your cell phone at home.

5 Who Wears Short Shorts? – If you remember this lyric from a hit song in the 60's you'll appreciate this story. In Everett, Washington, four cars were involved in a crash on I-5. As the police were checking out the damage, the drivers and passengers waited along the side of the road and among them were several nice looking women in short shorts. They were so nice looking that two more cars crashed when the drivers were checking them out. Two things strike me about this story. 1) This must be why they make the women wear burkas in the Middle East. 2) Can you imagine what would have happened if the bare bottomed biker had driven by? The mind boggles.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695