Downers Grove, IL

Friday, March 19, 2010

? Goal Setting Gone Awry – We have all heard that you need to set goals to succeed in life and Donna Simpson from New Jersey is hungry to reach hers. Donna's goal is to weigh 1,000 pounds! She already tips the scales at 606 pounds but her lifelong dream is to hit the half-ton mark. She already holds the record for the fattest mom which she achieved in 2007 when she gave birth weighing a slender 530, but now she's shooting for a grand. To reach her goal, she must consume 12,000 calories a day and the cost of all her food is over $800 per week. To earn extra chow-money, Donna now runs a web site where curious people can pay to watch her consume junk food like Fritos. Sound like hardcore corn-ography to me.

? The Future With Obama-Care – Michael Claire is a former dentist in Fall River, Massachusetts with a unique way to cut costs during tough times. When Claire performed root canals, rather than inserting expensive stainless steel posts into the tooth, he used paper clips. Then he billed Medicaid for the stainless steel posts. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that he also used wood putty to fill cavities and made several bridges out of Legos.

? News From Around The World – A homeless man in Cairns, Australia was arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket. He was seen putting limes in his pockets and stuffing a beef tongue down his pants. When he was taken into the office and asked to remove the items from his pants, he pulled out three limes and the beef tongue along with three trays of rump steaks, a couple of onions, a packet of lamb chops. When asked why he took the items the man said he had no money and he was hungry. When asked about the tongue he said, ""Okay, I'm lonely too."

Adrian Heath is a dentist in Lincoln, England with a better scam than Dr. Paper Clip. Adrian told four female patients that he was worried about swelling in their glands and then he convinced them that the best way to check the glands was for him to fondle their breasts and tweak their nipples. This is not only a breach of ethics, but is one of the reasons that the English are not known for their dentistry.

Back to Australia for our final story. A 16-year-old boy in Ipswich, Queensland, walked into a convenience store, pulled a knife on a worker, and demanded cash. Then he tried to pry open the cash register with his knife but failed. As he fled with just some cigarettes, the other shoppers in the store realized what was happening and armed themselves with groceries and canned goods. They pelted the robber with everything from jars of Vegemite to frozen meat pies until he was caught. Fortunately no condiments were used. That would have been a-salt.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695