Downers Grove, IL

Friday, June 18, 2010

     We are only three days away from the start of summer and I think it's time to celebrate. The next three days should be designated as Welcome To Summer Weekend and to kick off the festivities, here are the top stories in this week's news.

     "The Medium Is The Message" – If these words by Marshall McLuhan are correct, I have no idea what a lady in Boise, Idaho is trying to say. Joy Cassidy is a 74-year-old Boise woman who was arrested for pouring mayonnaise into the book drop of the Ada County library. Additionally, Joy is suspected in at least 10 other condiment related crimes involving corn syrup and ketchup in the book slot; gumming an ATM machine with hummus; and a drive-by Poupon assault. I relish stories like this.

     A Public Service Announcement – The police in Steubenville, OH

need your help. They are looking for this man who is suspected of

first-degree murder. This is a composite sketch of the man they are

looking for. Look at him. He has spikes coming out of his head, holes

in his ears the size of nickels, and tattooed eyebrows. And they can't

find him? They really do need some help because this guy sticks out

like a politician in a confessional. If you see him, call somebody. 

      Money Up The Wazoo – Steve Wilson works for DoodyCalls Pet Waste Removal in St. Louis, MO, and it is his job to rid your yard of doggie doughnuts. On a recent call he noticed something protruding from a freshly deposited pile and upon closer inspection discovered $58. Rather than keeping the money and really funking up his wallet, Steve returned the bills to the dog's owner who said, "Where's the rest of it? I gave that dog three twenties." 

      Obama-care Meets The NRA – Kathy Myers of Niles, Michigan has chronic pain in her shoulder after injuring it breaking up a fight between her Golden Lab and her Chihuahuas. She has no health insurance, so she did what any rational-thinking common-sense person who owns both a Golden Lab and Chihuahuas would do; she shot herself in the shoulder and went to the emergency room. She hoped the doctors would fix her rotator cuff while they were fixing her bullet wound but she apparently hadn't read the fine print and only got her bullet hole patched up. She is now suing herself for shooting her. She hopes to get millions.

     This Really Gets My Goat – In a routine drunk driving checkpoint, Bedford, VA police heard strange noises coming from the trunk of Fiona Enderdy's car. Police asked her what was in the trunk and she replied, "A goat." The officers said "Yeah, right" and had her open the trunk only to discover…a goat. The animal was tied up and in distress and was turned over to animal rescue. Fiona was charged with animal cruelty but said the goat was a gift for some friends from Kenya. She also said that she is from the UK and transporting goats in this manner is perfectly acceptable there…just like bad food and infrequent showers.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695