Downers Grove, IL

Friday, April 09, 2010

     Baseball is back baby. The overpaid, steroid-ridden, boys of summer are back to play a kids game while we, the sports fan, shell out big bucks to watch them. This is very wrong. I think baseball fans ought to be paid for walking into the ball park to enjoy warm $8 beers; heart-stopping hot dogs; and souvenirs that come with a mortgage. I think the players should pay to collect fan-cards and pay us for our autographs. But that is just fantasy and this week's Funnies are based on reality, as idealistic as that may seem.      Maine, "We're Almost Canada" – I've decided to vacation in Maine this year to view the local sights and scenery, and when I say local sights and scenery I am referring to the fact that it is perfectly legal for women in Maine to walk around topless. This week, two dozen women shed their tops and marched in downtown Portland to promote equal opportunity toplessness by displaying the high beams on their lighthouses…so to speak. So if you like the lobster but hate the bibs, Maine is the spot for you.

     Fly The Fee-Friendly Skies – While airlines complain about the cost of fuel, we complain about the cost of airlines. It seems that if an airline needs more money, they just charge the passenger another add on fee. First it was for headphones; then for food; next it was for pillows and blankets; and this week Spirit air started charging a fee for carry-on bags. Not to be outdone, European discount carrier Ryanair said they are seriously considering a "toilet tax" to use the washroom on board. When asked how they could possibly make money with this policy, a Ryanair spokesperson said "We're giving away free beer."

     News From Around The World – This week, the important stories from around the world involve putting something where it doesn't belong. In Gujrat, Pakistan a doctor was suspended from his hospital job for using an ambulance to transport a cow. The doctor had just purchased the cow from a local market and decided to use the ambulance to take her home. He was charged with tying a Guernsey to a gurney.

     In Liverpool, England, two women were arrested after trying to smuggle a 91-year-old man on an airplane. The man was a relative of theirs, but he was also dead. The women put him in a wheelchair, put a hat and sunglasses on him, and rolled him on the plane with nobody noticing. They got caught trying to stuff the dearly departed in the overhead compartment.

     Finally, in Aachen, Germany, a meat supplier got outraged after he made a delivery to a local restaurant and was told that the restaurant didn't have the money to pay their bill. The supplier screamed at the restaurant owner and packed up all of the meat he had just delivered, even the pieces that were already being cooked. Then, to make up the rest of the money he was owed, he went through the restaurant and took meat off of the diners' plates while screaming, "No meat for you!" The restaurant apologized to the patrons and said they were expecting a delivery of beef very soon. It was coming from Pakistan via ambulance.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695