Downers Grove, IL

Thursday, December 31, 2009

It's December 31, 2009 and time for…

Dale Irvin's New Year's Eve Funnies

Today is the last day of the year, a time to reflect on the past, plan for the future, and basically ask, "What the heck happened!" 2009 has been a year of turmoil, financial disasters, and economic chaos but as the wise sage once said, "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

I don't know about you but I am happy to see this abysmal year pass by to make room for a brand new decade, The Roaring Teens. So for the last time in this decade (and, yes, I know that the new decade doesn't really begin until 2011, but I am going along with the general consensus even though that's how Obama got elected) here are the Friday Funnies.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

? Bar Wars – It is no secret that consumption of alcohol increases during the holiday season and believe it or not, this can lead to bad circumstances. #1. In Sturgis, South Dakota, Marguerite Engle set a new state record when she was found passed out behind the wheel of a stolen delivery truck with a blood alcohol level of .708 percent, almost NINE times the legal limit. In addition to an all expenses paid stay at the county jail, Marguerite was also given the Brass Liver award, six months to live, and a date with Charlie Sheen.

#2. In Rome, Georgia – which I have on good authority was not built in a day – the McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home is doing their part to help out drunk drivers. All you have to do is to stop by their location and sign a contract stating that you plan to drink or take drugs before you drive on New Year's Eve. Then, if you die in a fiery wreck, they will bury you for FREE complete with casket, grave, limousine, and preparation of the remains. One stipulation is that they won't cremate the body of a drunk driver because it takes too long to put out the flames.

#3. In Harrisburg, Oregon, a man sat and drank at MacEnzi's Bar and Grill for several hours. He left at 10 PM and returned a short time later to rob the bar, thinking no one would remember him. They did and he was soon arrested. As he was being carted away he slurred, "Don't you people know who I am? I'm Charlie Sheen."

? "I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas" -"How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." This is a very funny quote from Groucho Marx but in Clarksville, Georgia, Joel Borden killed a deer in his underwear. Mr. Borden lives in the country and one morning he was making coffee when he saw a wounded deer in his yard. The deer had been shot by a hunter and was in bad shape so Joel did the humane thing and put the deer out of its misery. He killed the animal by beating it with a stick while he was wearing only boxer shorts and sandals. I'm sorry but if you are a wounded deer, and the last thing you see in life is a redneck in his underpants beating you with a stick, how humane can it be? In his defense, it should be pointed out that Mr. Borden was wearing camouflage underwear at the time so the deer never saw what hit him.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695