Downers Grove, IL

Thursday, January 21, 2010

It's January 22, 2010 and time for…

Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

I am not sure of all of the signs of the Apocalypse but Ted Kennedy's vacant senate seat going to a Republican has got to be one of them. At least that's what the White House is thinking. Elsewhere on the oddness scale, the Salahis – AKA the White House Party Crashers - invoked the Fifth Amendment 33 times when they were questioned by Homeland Security. This is the legal equivalent to Sgt. Schultz on Hogan's Heroes, "I know nothing!"

On top of all this, Tiger Woods has checked himself into a rehab clinic in Mississippi to cure his sex addiction. Mississippi? I wonder if they specialize in stopping you from having sex with your cousins. It's a three ring circus of news out there but I look past the headlines to find the real funny in the week's news and here it is.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

How Do You Define "Rocking Out"? – In Fond du Lac, Wisconsin where cheese "fond-du" was invented, they look at life differently than most people…even most of the people in Wisconsin. Police responding to a loud noise complaint at an apartment heard John Denver music blaring through the door. Police pounded on the door and eventually a 42-year-old man danced over to answer the door. When asked why the music was so loud, the man claimed to be "rocking out" to John Denver. Police issued a ticket for loud noise but if you ask me, anybody caught "rocking out" to "Take Me Home Country Roads" should be watched carefully…even in Wisconsin.

When Guns Are Outlawed, Outlaws Will Have Squirt Guns – Up in Portland, Maine, Harding Smith is the target of a lawsuit claiming he violated federal and state wage and hour rules at his restaurant. So when he saw protesters in front of his restaurant, he disbursed them with a dousing of fox urine. He is facing assault charges but I think a spray gun full of fox urine is almost the perfect self-defense weapon. It's cheap, it's portable, and it's effective. The problem comes when you try to get the fox to pee in the little opening.

Let The Buyer Beware – Until this week, I always considered people who reported the theft of their drugs to the police to be the stupidest people around. But the bar has been raised by a man in Marlborough, New Hampshire who called police to report that he paid for sex and didn't get any! The unnamed man whom we will call "Dick" told police that he paid $150 to a woman to have sex but she took the money and hung poor "Dick" out to dry. Both "Dick" and the woman were arrested for prostitution so they both got screwed…but not in a good way.

Rockin' Out In Virginia – No music was involved in Dr. Frank Ciampi's office in Lorton, Virginia because in this case the 'rockin' was caused by an actual rock. A meteorite hit the doctor's office, punched a hole in the roof and landed near the coffee machine. No one was injured but just imagine visiting that particular doctor at that particular time for your annual prostate exam when a loud noise and a rock from outer space startle the doctor. It didn't happen but it could. Another sign of the Apocalypse.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695