Downers Grove, IL

Friday, January 29, 2010

It's January 29, 2010 and time for…

Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

I come to you today one year older than I was last week. I had a birthday that tipped the age scales to the next number. I don't normally celebrate birthdays because let's face it, they only put you one year closer to death. This year however I welcome my new age with open arms and two simple words, "senior discount." Set 'em up for the house, I get 10% off.

Nothing has been discounted from this week's odder news stories.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

Crooks Of A Feather, All Steal Stuff – Three stories revolve around the breaking of the 8th Commandment. I'll give you a moment to look up which one that is. Time's up, it's Do Not Steal. You would think that a man of the cloth would be very familiar with this law but Father Steven Poole got busted this week for shoplifting butter, a sofa cover, and a memory foam mattress from a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. What I want to know is what he had planned to do with that collection of items?

In Joplin, Missouri, a man stole a $20,000 diamond ring and went to a jewelry store to try and sell it. The owner of the store recognized the ring from police reports and called the cops. Before they arrived, the thief took the ring and swallowed it. No more evidence. While he was being questioned by police, he started coughing violently and out came the ring. Because of the copious laxatives, other things came out as well but the ring, thankfully, came out his mouth.

In Grove City, PA, Robert Martin is accused of stealing knives, jewelry, and a phone answering machine from a home a few miles away. The thing that puts this story in the "odd" category is that he was driven to the crime scene by his MOM! Judith Martin took her boy to work and now she's facing charges too. I guess nobody believes in family values any more.

California School System Bans The Dictionary – I wish there was a joke to this headline but the Menifee Union School District in Riverside County yanked all copies of Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary off the shelves because it contains dirty words. Gee, maybe because it's a DICTIONARY. The example they cited was an entry for "oral sex". Both of these words have, of course, existed in the dictionary for centuries but when joined together were found to be offensive by some parents. They were also not too happy about the inclusion of the words "titmouse", "screwball" and "boner."

Time's Up! – Two centenarians got nature's last call this week. Harriet Ames of Concord, New Hampshire always wanted a college degree and at the age of 100 she graduated with a Bachelors degree and died the next day. In England, Connie Brown died at 102. She was the world's oldest working woman, putting in six days a week working at the fish and chips shop she opened with her husband 80 years ago. In a case of twisted irony, Ms. Brown didn't feel well and went to the hospital for the first time in her life. She died there the next day. Just for the record, England has socialized medicine. I'm just saying.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695