Downers Grove, IL

Thursday, February 11, 2010

It's February 12th and time for… Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

I'm not the kind of person who pats himself on the back, primarily because it hurts my arm when I do that. But last week, in this very column, I predicted the winner of Super Bowl XLIV.

 

I went with the Saints AKA Holy Dead Guys by 13 points. They won by 14. That's pretty close in my book, which is now being written. It's about using my talents to become a psychic or a bookie. The title for my new book is, "You Bet Your Afterlife."

Elsewhere, John Edwards, who is not officially divorced yet, proposed to Rielle Hunter, the mother of his love child. This officially makes him the Creepiest Guy Of The Year. This week's Funnies may give you the creeps and a laugh or two

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

 

? Dumb And Dumber – In Flint, Michigan a man accused of 1) stealing a car and then 2) reporting it stolen, told police that he was robbed at gunpoint when he tried to buy crack cocaine with a credit card. At last report, police weren't sure where to start with this case. In Riverton, Wyoming a 26 year old man stole a bottle of Schnapps and some cough drops from a grocery store and ran away. He hid in a nearby building which happened to be the police station. Riverton police said that in the future if all thieves would just hide in the police station, it would make their job much easier.

? Wild Behavior At Wal-Mart –Two Wal-Mart stories in this week's news. In Lilburn, Georgia, a 23 year old man walked into the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart and selected an aluminum baseball bat. Then we strolled to the TV section where he proceeded to smash 29 flat screen televisions. When asked why he did it, the man said, "I'm sorry. I went nuts because all of the TVs were tuned to C-SPAN and I was surrounded by Nancy Pelosi." Meanwhile, in South Kitsap, Washington, a 51 year old man went into the local Wal-Mart and began setting off liquid stink bombs and spraying a can of aerosol "Super Fart Spray". He said he did it as a joke but it took several hours for anybody to notice the difference and even then they thought there was a sale on potpourri.

 

? Barney Fife Is Alive And Well – And I think he found a job in Sauquoit, a small hamlet in upstate New York. The Sauquoit police were at their finest this week when they arrested an 11 year old boy. The boy was being bothered by another student at school and after he told the other boy to back off several times, he tried to stab him with a pencil. He inflicted a scratch treated by the school nurse. When police arrived the boy was charged with felony attempted assault and criminal possession of a weapon. I know the pen is mightier than the sword but this was a pencil! And he's an 11 year old boy. It's not assault; it's what 11 year old boys do. But to be on the safe side, when visiting Sauquoit, NY, please leave all of your writing instruments at the edge of town.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695