Downers Grove, IL

Thursday, January 07, 2010

It's January 8, 2010 and time for…

Dale Irvin's New Year's Eve Funnies

The new year dawns with increased airport security, guns in NBA locker rooms, terrible mid-season TV, and if that isn't bad enough, it is pretty cold around here. Much of the country is undergoing frigid weather and in Chicago it is currently 9 degrees Fahrenheit…which is even colder in Celsius. So I would like to invite Al Gore to come and visit me and tell me how warm our globe is getting. I would also like to invite President Obama to visit Illinois - his other "home state" - in the winter instead of going to his new "home state", Hawaii. Hawaii may be warm, but we have 21 electoral votes, if you get my drift. And speaking of drifting, as the snow drifts across my driveway, allow me to drift into this week's top stories.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW

? McDonalds Madness Times Two – In Toledo, Ohio, Melodi Dushane became extremely irritated when the drive-thru attendant informed her that the restaurant was out of McNuggets. Ms. Dushane expressed her disappointment by punching a hole in the drive-thru window. Meanwhile, in Kansas City, Missouri police are looking for a woman who caused thousands of dollars of damage at a McDonald's restaurant. She was not happy with her hamburger and she insisted on a full refund. The restaurant offered her a replacement burger but she went nuts and threw a bucket of water over the counter, knocked over a display case, and pushed three cash registers on the floor. McDonald's response to these cases of burger-rage was to introduce their new McValium Burger. Tastes great and keeps you peaceful.

??Pickin', Strummin', and Assaultin' – Joseph Stancato is a banjo player in Denver, Colorado, and he got into a fight with another man at a bus stop on New Year's Eve. After trading punches, Stancato hit the other man "upside the head" with his banjo. Under Colorado law, a banjo is considered a deadly weapon and the picker faces prison time if found guilty. The thing that amazes me most about this story is that the state of Colorado declared the banjo a deadly weapon – a bold move - but the bagpipes and the accordion get off scot free.

??Never Skip Science Class – Basic high school science class teaches the basics of combustion. When flame is applied to flammable liquid, fire ensues. Apparently a 17-year-old lad from Longview, Washington played hooky the day that lesson was taught because while he was siphoning gas out of another family member's car, he decided to enjoy a cigarette. He was burning like a witch in Salem when a passing banjo player saw him and beat out the fire.

? Dope Of The Day Award –Marathon, Florida is the location of today's biggest dope. Steven Locasio grew pot plants in his back yard but the police confiscated them when he was not at home. They left a ransom note that read, "Thanks for the grow. Call for a price to get it back." When Locasio got the note he called the number and arranged to make a transfer of $200 for his plants. Police met him at the designated location and made a transfer of Mr. Locasio to jail. Lesson to be learned? Never trust kidnappers.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695