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Dale Irvin Looks At The Week's Wacky News
Downers Grove, IL
Thursday, April 15, 2010
It's April 16, 2009 and time for…
Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies
Today is the day after Tax Day otherwise known as Financial Colonoscopy Day. Yesterday we had to cough up more money to the government who can then use it to provide us with stuff we don't want. It's the American way. Today is also one of the many deadlines for returning your census form. It states on the envelope that I am required BY LAW to fill out and return the form. That's fine but the U.S. Census sent me not one or two identical forms...they sent me four! Four census forms all sent to the same address and I am required BY LAW to fill them out. I am not, however, required to tell the truth so I was truthful on the first form they sent me but I got creative with the rest. On one form I listed myself as a Samoan currently living in prison, and on another I was Hmong and albino. I even filled out names of people living with me for all twelve spaces on the fourth form. It was great retributional fun with the government. If you are looking to get even with somebody this week, just send them these Friday Funnies. THE WEEK IN REVIEW
Something Else To Worry About - I worry about a lot of things. I worry about getting audited, I worry about eating tainted monkey meat and getting Ebola virus, and I worry about how many times I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Now there is a new worry to add to the list. According to researchers in the UK and Israel if you turn on a light when you use the toilet at night, it could cause cancer. They studied lab mice - who apparently have the same bathroom issues I do - and found that if they turned on a light for them at night, they had an increased rate of cancer. So it is lights off for me from now on and just to make sure I don't "miss" the target, I am going to pee in the shower at night.
In Chicago, Dead People Vote. In Tennessee They Get Elected - This week the town of Tracy City, Tennessee elected Carl Robin Geary as their mayor even though he died several weeks ago. He beat the incumbent Barbara Brock 268 votes to 85 votes. Brock was appointed mayor 16 months ago when the previous mayor died but apparently has done such a bad job that the citizens would rather have another dead guy than her at the helm. The city council will appoint a new mayor and are searching the obituaries for candidates. Two Criminals On The Lamb - No, that headline is not misspelled. In Argentina, Maximiliano Pereyra and Ariel Diaz broke out of a maximum security prison a week ago and so far have evaded 300 law enforcement officials chasing them. They did it by dressing like sheep and hiding among farm flocks. The two men donned full sheepskin fleeces and sheep heads to avoid capture but authorities are closing in on them. Argentina officials claim, "We've been following a trail of empty Wool-ite bottles and know that can't be far behind."
Things Are Different Down South - In Rock Hill, South Carolina, two motel guests got into an argument over loud music. Tony Smith apparently had the music in his room turned up too loud and when the guest in the next room complained, so Smith smacked him in the face with a 4-foot python. The victim is OK and Smith is in jail, but the poor python is still wondering what did you do that for?
Dale Irvin
Professional Summarizer
Downers Grove, IL
630-852-7695
