Downers Grove, IL

Friday, July 16, 2010

    

      Laughter may or may not have cooling effects on the human body but you will definitely feel cooler when you read about the people in the news this week.

     What a busy week! Lindsay Lohan had her nails done; Mel Gibson had his brain removed; George Steinbrenner is under new ownership; and Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson are engaged again. It is hard to keep up with everything. That's why I have gleaned only the best of this week's news stories for your entertainment.

Remember To Floss – A man in Gainesville, FL went to police after he was robbed by a hooker. He had negotiated a price to have sex with the woman but when she smiled she revealed a set of gnarly choppers that nixed the deal. Allegedly the man said, "I didn't know you were English" and tried to get away, but Snagglepuss grabbed his checkbook with $78 in it. She was later arrested and charged with robbery and dental anguish.

His Excuse Sounds Logical To Me – Keith Rasmussen was arrested outside a Madison, Wisconsin strip club after he ran his SUV into the building. He was asked to leave Visions Night Club after throwing up in the VIP area, which he though stood for Vomiting In Public. He got in his SUV, popped it in reverse, and slammed into the entrance of the club. When police arrived, he denied driving the SUV and said he was transported to the location by Martians. Madison Police commented, "That's the third case of Martian abduction we've had this week."

Things You Shouldn't Do – As a public service, I occasionally like to point out some examples of things you should never do. For instance, a 36-year-old man in Belfast, Maine set fire to a car in order to claim insurance on the non-working vehicle. This is very bad. Then he took photos of his torch job and posted then on Facebook. This is very stupid. When you add stupid to bad you get…caught. I wonder if he'll have "photos from jail" on Facebook next week.

In Valparaiso, IN, two teens were arrested at Pat's Ice Cream Parlor. The 15 and 16 year old boys went to the shop to fill out applications for summer jobs. On their way out, one of them dipped into the tip jar on the counter and took the dollar bills. Needless to say, the boys didn't get summer jobs at the ice cream parlor. They have decided on careers in politics instead.

Family Values – A typical family argument started in South Bend, IN where a 49-year-old man was cooking bacon when his 47-year-old brother-in-law came up to him and said, "Hey, that's my pan." Then he grabbed the pan and hit the older man repeatedly over the head. It required 11 stitches to close the cut and both men were burned by hot grease but the oddest part of the official report was this: "Two pieces of bacon were found in the closet." No further explanation was given but I suspect they ran in there to get away from the fight.

In Villa Rica, Georgia, a 29-year-old man took his mother hostage because she refused to iron his clothes. He pulled a gun and took her keys and cell phone and wouldn't let his mother leave the house. She eventually escaped and went to police who arrested her son. The mother said "I may not want to iron his clothes but I'd be happy to press charges." How ironic.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695