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All The News That's Fit To Laugh At
Downers Grove, IL
Friday, July 23, 2010
Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies
The heat of summer is doing something to people's brains. This week's odd behavior includes that of former Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich, whose attorneys rested their case without letting Rod take the stand. This marks the first time in history that Blagojevich was offered a chance to speak and turned it down. What's next, a crew cut? In Hollywood, Mel Gibson, tired of going ahead of Tiger Woods in the "Slimiest Celebrity" category, said he's going to pack up and move back to Australia. I think he should only be allowed to leave under one condition. He has to take Lindsay Lohan with him.
The Enquirer reported this week that two more masseuses raised sex abuse allegations against Al Gore. They both claim the abuse happened during a massage session scheduled by Gore. This makes three masseuses with similar stories. Something tells me that this massage story is not going to have a happy ending. That said, here is the real news of the week.
THE WEEK IN REVIEW
Sweating Like A Sinner In Church – An unusual item was removed from eBay this week and is no longer for sale. A church in Vienna, Austria offered a confessional for sale during their renovation. They suggested that it could be used as a one-person sauna, a bar, or a playhouse for the kids. The Viennese archdiocese soon put the kibosh on the sale which had already reached a high bid of 666 Euros placed by Bea Elzabub
In Mexico City, Roberto Cabrera was arrested at the airport for trying to smuggle 18 monkeys in his pants. He was returning from Peru wearing a girdle with pockets for eighteen tiny endangered monkeys that he intended to sell in Mexico. He was charged with trafficking an endangered species for sale, A.K.A.….monkey business.
China did not make much of a showing in the recent World Cup soccer matches but in Shenyang they have discovered a new way to play. They have trained chickens and roosters to play soccer as an alternative to the usual blood-sport of cockfighting. PETA thinks the new sport is a potential poultry problem and is crying "Fowl." Personally, I am offended by the name given to this activity in the news reports. They call it "Chinese cock soccer." No letters please. I am just the messenger.
As If It Wasn't Bad Enough – If you are planning on working for the government in Newark, NJ, be forewarned. As part of a drastic plan to save money, Mayor Cory Booker has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper. Instead, they will subscribe to the New York Times.
Dale Irvin
Professional Summarizer
Downers Grove, IL
630-852-7695
