Downers Grove, IL

Friday, March 12, 2010

It's March 12, 2010 and time for…     Plenty has happened this week without even mentioning the image burned in our collective brains of Rahm Emanuel standing naked in the locker room yelling at Eric Massa. Then Massa called Emanuel "The son of Satan's spawn." Oddly enough, Emanuel was unable to come up with his birth certificate to disprove the charge. Here's the rest of the news.? In A LeLeche League Of Their Own – In Owensboro, Kentucky, a woman in jail for public intoxication assaulted a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. As she was changing into her orange jail jumpsuit, the drunken woman squirted milk into the face of the female deputy who was with her. She is now charged with a felony assault and lactating without a license.

Meanwhile, in New York City, Chef Daniel Angerer is offering cheese made from his wife's breast milk. He offers it at Klee Brasserie as an appetizer with figs and a Hungarian pepper. Knowing that the chef thinks it is OK to use human fluids in his recipes, I would be very leery of the pea soup.

? Wrong On So Many Levels – Using breast milk as a weapon is pretty weird, but this story makes it look like a story by the Brothers Grimm. Megan Barnes was driving to visit her boyfriend in Key West, Florida. Actually, she wasn't driving. She was behind the wheel but her ex-husband was steering the car from the passenger seat. He was doing this because Ms. Barnes was busy shaving her "bikini area" in preparation for her date with her boyfriend. They rear ended another car but nobody was injured. It was a close shave.

? No Ifs, Ands, Or Butts – I learned something when I found this story about black market butt-enhancements. I learned that people actually have their butts enhanced. They want bigger bottoms so they get them injected with a product called Mor-Ass™. Actually I don't know what they inject them with but I'm pretty sure it's not household caulk. Six women from Newark, NJ went for some discount illegal butt building and found themselves injected with caulk. The women suffered from infections but their butt cheeks are now watertight and protected up to 30 degrees below zero.

? Dumb-ass Of The Week Award – This was a difficult award to bestow because there were so many contenders, but this week's honor goes to 27-year-old Sir James Smith. Mr. Smith had just been freed from the Putnamville Correctional Facility in Indiana where he spent four months for selling marijuana. His wife Sharmainique picked him up from the joint and on their way out the gate they sparked a different kind of joint. Police pulled Sharmainique's car over for an expired license plate and smelled the marijuana. I hope Sir James enjoyed his 37 minutes of freedom.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695